The best question my therapist ever asked me
I recently had a call with a nutrition coaching client who started by recapping his week and how the tasks we had set together panned out.
Client; “Lunches worked really well. Knowing I needed to grocery shop to make it happen all hinged on that one task. Once I had been grocery shopping it was smooth sailing from there.”
Bingo! I thought…
Client after a brief pause… “But I did fuck up and go off the rails on my second task. I know I said I was going to avoid late-night snacking on Oreos. So I bought some ingredients to make my own healthier snacks, and before I knew it I was dipping fruit in melted chocolate and eating peanut butter on rice cakes”.
This guy made such positive moves in his self-identified goals from the previous week, highlighted them, and then IMMEDIATELY dived into the areas he “fucked up and went off the rails”.
I paused him there and reflected back to him what I had just heard him say about defining the 2 experiences. Then I asked him a question that my therapist once blew my mind with.
“What are some other possibilities?”
You know when you get flashed by a camera and can’t see for a few seconds because of your eyes adjusting to the lights…that’s what this question is all about.
After a stuttering start, he got on a roll and came up with these other possibilities;
Other possibility 1: I stuck to my goal of not overeating Oreos.
Other possibility 2: I made the effort to go out and buy more efficient/helthful ingredients that better matched my goal.
Other possibility 3: I took action to prepare my own snack in replacement of mindlessly overconsuming Oreos.
Other possibility 4: I changed my behavior from the mindless continuation of actions that don’t serve me to intentional actions that do.
Other possibility 5: I noticed that I wasn’t craving Oreos specifically but more that I wanted to feel joy.
Other possibility 6: I still likely ate fewer total calories from the food I ate than if I had eaten my usual amount of Oreos.
Other possibility 7: I didn’t do this 2 nights in a row where I would have with other snacks in the past.
We can glean so many positives from this event. But we need to take a second to see what is actually happening. We need to explore other possibilities. We need to reflect upon what we can/did learn from an event rather than just writing it off and putting it in the fuck it bucket to chastise ourselves with later.
Upon reflection, this client made 2 tremendous choices to take action. 1 panned out exactly how he planned, and the other was rough around the edges.
Humans are, in general, pretty shit at celebrating small wins (myself included). We tend to see things as pass/fail and when we “fail”, it’s safer to hang on to the negatives that keep us in the same consistent and reliable place, even if it is a place we are trying to leave. Seeing the positives can be a scary thing to do. What if we get on a roll and then fall short/ backslide? What if? Best stay where I guess.
If I can advise one thing here it is to simply acknowledge the drawbacks and then spend your time elevating the advantages of situations of behavior change. Change is both the goal and scary, and the sooner we embrace that scariness, the more we will embrace change and the sooner we can get to our goals.
