Is shame always a bad thing?
Shame pops up a lot in my work as a coach. It’s completely normal to feel and though it tends to have more negative connotations than positive, like all emotions, we can learn from it.
Doug experiencing unwarranted shame.
Feeling shame may be justified in certain circumstances and can be the necessary signal that leads to healthy change. If you don’t follow through on a task when you said you would, then shame is the emotion you'll feel to help you create a new path and actions for the future.
It can be easy to let things outside of our control make us feel shame. This is neither helpful nor warranted. In these circumstances, you can still look inwards and see what you could have done differently. The best use of your energy however, is to look at what you can do moving forward.
Shame tends to be a reflection on the past, which though useful isn’t actionable. Action is effort made now to improve future outcomes.
If you tend to feel shame as an automated reaction, warranted or not, there are a few key interventions you can rely on to help work through it;
Engage in supportive, nonjudgmental relationships. The compassion and understanding of others, particularly someone who might have felt similar, makes it easier for you to be compassionate with yourself.
Take a minute. I have said this countless times before, but emotions tend to manifest unconsciously, making them harder to manage. We can bring them to the conscious mind and decide to respond to them rather than react with them. You might stop what you are doing and take 10 deep breaths or take a few minutes to write down what you are feeling. These skills help make the unconscious conscious.
Make a plan. If shame is justified, you can make a plan to rectify the situation. If shame is unjustified, you can make a plan to manage it when it comes up.
Key takeaways on shame
Shame is often unwarranted and unhelpful. Other times it is justified and can help clarify future actions. You can use simple tools to discern which you are experiencing, and move from stuckness to response and future action.