You are likely familiar with the concept of “don’t think about a flying elephant”. When instructed not to think about a flying elephant, what do you do?

You guessed it…Dumbo.

Focusing on what you don’t want isn’t helping you. Avoiding something with fear isn’t as powerful as approaching that same thing with a plan. When we fixate on the one thing we don’t want to do, it is easier to bring it to fruition as a self fulfilling prophecy and from there it's a slippery slope to limiting beliefs like “you always do this”, “you’ll never be able to change”, and finally “what's the bloody point in trying”. These aren't the only outcomes of course, but they’re all too common and ones we can easily avoid with a little retooling.

Focus on what you DO want.

Focusing on what you do want isn’t magic. It doesn't negate the negative outcome you’re trying to avoid repeating, but it does give you something to be in control of. You get the opportunity to focus on the behaviors that get you the outcomes you do want, rather than disaster planning around the ones you don’t want and never changing the mechanisms or actions that get you there.

A personal example

I recently felt frustrated when starting my days slowly and without intention. Instead of fixating on how frustrated I felt, shaming myself, and how I really wanted to avoid that feeling tomorrow, I asked myself the powerful question - “why is this a problem for you Jay”?

The answer to this question helped me crystalize why I was frustrated (I felt unproductive and like I was missing opportunities) and subsequently, what I wanted instead (to enjoy my work and to get better reward for my efforts).

This focus on the positive gave me the necessary clarity and made it 10x easier to create a plan of action for tomorrow. Roll the clock forward 24 hours and there I was, achieving my goals of increased enjoyment and return for my effort by reading 10+ pages before 7am, 3-4 days per week.

Whats the lesson for you?

Ultimately, focusing on the positive puts you in charge of your own destiny far more than focusing on the negative. Framing your efforts positively helps you approach them with an action plan you created and that is designed to help you get more of what you do want. In turn, you still achieve the goal of avoiding the negative outcome you dislike in the process.